Right.” Cynthia stared at the flames, jaw slack with surprise and alarm. Red beams shot forth from her beak, setting the porch veranda ablaze. What is something like you going to do about it?” “I am vice president of the homeowner’s association. “Are you threatening me?” Cynthia was aghast. I’m sorry, but no.” Cynthia didn’t sound sorry.
“Laser Squid will pay ten thousand over asking price.” I could feel my houseboat payment slipping away. “I’m not selling my house to some sea monster.” “I don’t care.” Cynthia stamped her foot, raising her voice. “And there aren’t many buyers interested at your asking price.” “She’s about to have a very large family,” I replied. “Can I talk to you?” Cynthia dragged me aside without waiting for an answer. “We were going to take the hot tub with us,” Cynthia said. The pool and the above ground hot tub shall cradle the young until they are ready to conquer your world of dry air.” “And of course, the backyard pool.” This was an old technique: end the tour with the feature the buyer will be most excited about. “This one must have space for the young to swarm.” “The spawning is upon us.” Laser Squid touched her bulging mantle. “Do you… have children?” At least she was attempting conversation. Great schools in this district.”Ĭynthia stayed inside, not wanting to share the admittedly cramped space with Laser Squid. You can see all the way to Fisher Elementary. You’ll have power for up to eighteen hours in the event of a blackout. “And they had solar put in last year, with a battery. “Will this residence accommodate pumps for a twenty-thousand-gallon tank?”Ĭynthia wrung her hands. “This is where krill shall be devoured,” Laser Squid declared. You could convert it into a fifth bedroom if you plan on having guests-” Big enough for both a grand piano and a pool table. She gazed expectantly at me with her great unblinking eye. Laser Squid slumped, arms and tentacles splayed out around her. The houseboat was way too big for just me, but I was still stuck with the thing. Plus, now I was left making the payments on the goddamned houseboat all on my own. My divorce had been finalized, and I had absolutely no faith my ex was going to pay any of our daughter’s tuition. She grimaced at the trail of slime Laser Squid had left on the floor. “And she’s preapproved for a mortgage at your asking price.”Ĭynthia was unconvinced. “Miss Squid is a highly motivated buyer,” I discreetly informed Cynthia, trying to coax her out from behind the couch. The display was more impressive here than it had been in my office. “You cower before Laser Squid, terror of the depths!” The towering cephalopod shot multicolored beams of light from every orifice, turning the living room into Pink Floyd night at the planetarium. She dragged herself along the cherry hardwood floor, tentacles making a wet slapping sound with every movement. The client intervened before I had the chance. As I mentioned in my many texts.” The last part was snarkier than I’d meant to be, but Cynthia was already on my last nerves.Ĭynthia cowered behind a tasteful sectional, white as a sheet. I’m showing the place to a potential buyer today. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be home. “Hello, Miss Whitecrest,” I said with my practiced smile, ignoring the shriek. The owners always think they’re better salespeople than I am. We work with some excellent contractors in the area.”Ī shriek from the living room told me Cynthia Whitecrest, the homeowner, hadn’t cleared out as I had politely but firmly suggested. “We can always get that expanded for you.
It wasn’t quite big enough for my client, who left greasy marks on the doorframe as she squeezed through. “This one has everything on your checklist.” I held open the front door of the four-bedroom colonial. Laser Squid Goes House Hunting By Douglas DiCicco
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